She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
