i just wanna soil my oats bro
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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