she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
