i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i don't like sucking hair
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
