woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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