how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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