I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
