I puked a lego.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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