Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
