You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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