I hate all girls vehemently.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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