1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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