im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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