oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
