Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
