Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
