my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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