I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
