Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
