I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
