Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
and she was petting her beer can
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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