I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it's like iHOP with fire
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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