I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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