I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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