I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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