i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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