i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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