I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
