whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
