Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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