I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
