I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
