I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
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Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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