I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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