No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
