When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
