The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
