She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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