First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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