No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
