So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
