He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
