my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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