the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
