i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
