Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
