I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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