Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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