he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
