It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
