So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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