he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
