There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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