i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
