I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just want to make out with him forever
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
