Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
