When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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