Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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