shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
