2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
