thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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